Philosophical study of life, death, and nature
Confessions of a Frigid Man
Section 1: What Has Happened to Me Since I Published the Book?
This book was published in February 2005. As soon as it appeared in bookstores, it attracted huge attention, and a number of comments were posted on the Internet. This was the unprecedented confession of an incumbent college professor about his sexuality, the content of which ranges from male frigidity to the Lolita complex. This explains why the reaction was so vast.
First, I would like to tell you that after the publication of this book, I was assailed by tremendous psychological depression. Of course I had expected it beforehand, but the actual psychological stress was really beyond my imagination. My mind and heart became unstable; even little things stirred up my emotions, and I was overwhelmed by intense anxiety. Imagine a situation in which a book about your sexual confessions goes public in front of the whole country. Whenever I searched for the title of my book, various comments struck my eyes. I saw many comments sneering at my sexuality. I saw a comment saying, “I don’t want to go out with a man like the author.” Since the book sold well at the college bookstore, whenever I saw students in my classes I felt embarrassed. I felt as if whispers such as “Oh, so that’s the kind of man Morioka is!” were coming from all directions.
News of the publication extended to a surprising place. In 2006 I gave an academic presentation at a bioethics conference in the US. An American male professor who chaired our session introduced me to the audience with a broad smile, saying, “Professor Morioka is a scholar who studies not only bioethics but also why men do not feel in sexual intercourse and why he is sexually aroused by young girls!” I presume he must have said it to entertain the audience, but at the time I was truly embarrassed and had no idea how to react to his words.
I suppose readers must want to know what has become of my sexuality since publication.
First, there has been no change in the empty feelings after ejaculation and the feeling of descent and collapse. I still have them just like before. There were some who kindly advised me how to improve the techniques of masturbation and sex in order to enhance sexual sensitivity. They recommended that I take plenty of time to make the skin of my whole body sensitive, stimulate my prostate, or take several days to enhance my sexual feelings with my partner.
The sensitivity to sexual pleasure could perhaps be developed, and the feeling of emptiness after ejaculation might disappear, by using those techniques. We can read such reports of success in various books and magazines. I never deny their results, but I myself had no desire to follow in their footsteps. It seemed somehow wrong to resolve the problem of “male frigidity” by enhancing sexual pleasure, and that is why I could not follow their advice. I was searching for a way to embrace “male frigidity” and affirm myself just the way I am. “I am frigid, but this is no problem at all. I want to try to find a way to reweave my sexuality by affirming myself just the way I am.” This was my real intention.
Then what about the tendency to get attracted to school uniforms? Honestly speaking, I still feel attracted to school uniforms. I feel very nice when I see junior-high or high school girls wearing uniforms, and I must say I can have sexual feelings toward their uniforms. At the same time, I want to emphasize that I have come to be able to observe my sexual feelings from a distance in a calm way, because after writing this book, the mechanism of why I am attracted to school uniforms became very clear to me. I became able to see my arousal process with a cold eye. For me, the psychological drive toward school uniforms has gradually shifted from an incomprehensible emotion to a clearly comprehensible one.
Then what about lolicon (the Lolita complex)? I think girls in junior high school and the upper years of elementary school are really cute. I do not deny that I still have a tendency to be sexually attracted to them. However, I am now able to observe my sexual feelings from a distance in a calm way because the mechanism of why I am attracted to those girls became very clear to me. An “aha!” experience came to me, and I was deeply relieved.
Regarding actual girls, I have come to have a kind of parental feeling, wishing these girls to survive safely and grow soundly in our society filled with sexual gazes. Although as a person who has been on the side of exploiting them, and may still be on the same side, I might not be qualified to say this, I strongly hope that they will be able to live their lives without being exploited by adults’ sexual desire, and I strongly believe that a social environment in which they will be able to live in happiness should be created and maintained.
Clarifying the mechanism of being attracted to young girls has given me another transformation. I have gradually become attracted to adult women. I have come to feel wonderful from the bottom of my heart when seeing an experienced, intellectual, independent, and beautiful woman. Sometimes I am attracted to female politicians or scholars who are older than I, and sometimes the attractions are sexual. The clarification of that psychological mechanism by logical thinking has brought me an enormous expansion of the age range of women I am sexually attracted to. I do not know the reason why, but nonetheless, it has actually happened to me.
( . . . . . Rest of Section 1, Section 2 and Section 3 have not been uploaded here. You can read the whole chapter for free: Open Access PDF)