Philosophical study of life, death, and nature
Confessions of a Frigid Man
Section 1: The Experience of “Ejaculation” and the Sense of Self-negation
1 “Men’s bodies are dirty!”
My investigations thus far have revealed two fundamental problems that exist within me. The first is that “I am frigid,” and the second is that “I cannot affirm my own body.” Ill fruits such as an attraction to miniskirts, a uniform fetish, and lolicon have flourished in this soil.
There is an incident I keep coming back to when thinking about these issues. It occurred at a meeting of a certain group. There were about twenty men and a few women in the room, and we were discussing issues like prostitution. The participants talked frankly about their own experiences and engaged in discussion in a relaxed atmosphere. One middle-aged man revealed that he sometimes hired prostitutes. There was a moment of tension, but without anyone criticizing him, those in attendance then began to talk about the nature of a desire to hire a prostitute. The discussion turned towards pornographic videos. When someone was talking about how a woman’s naked body is sexually arousing, one of the women in the group asked, “What about a man’s naked body?” Immediately the man who had admitted to hiring prostitutes exclaimed, “But men’s bodies are dirty!”
As soon as I heard this, I felt as though something had suddenly become clear to me. At the root of behaviors like buying women and becoming obsessed with pornography, there is a powerful sense that one’s own body, one’s male body, is dirty. This could be said, I thought, not just of this particular man but also of a majority of men.
Reflecting on my own feelings, it was clear that a sense that my male body was dirty lurked within me as well. To put it more precisely, this is not a sense that male bodies in general are dirty, but that “my own body,” which is male, is dirty. I now suspect that in my case this awareness transformed itself into an urge to get out of my body and slip into the body of a young girl, and this in turn ultimately led to my lolicon and uniform fetish. In the case of the man discussed above, it seems that this same awareness led him to pursue pornography and sex with prostitutes. When he said, “But men’s bodies are dirty!” I thought to myself, “That’s right, they are.” Body hair grows thickly, the color of the skin is bad, bones jut too prominently, and muscles bulge grotesquely. There is a penis and pubic hair around it, both dirtied by semen. I have an unavoidable sense that my body is extremely dirty.
2 The origin of the “my body is dirty” feeling
When I analyze my own psychological mechanisms more carefully, the following picture emerges.
When I feel that my body is dirty, the part I perceive as being the dirtiest is the area around my penis. To put it more bluntly, it is the area around my penis after semen has been released, because after I have ejaculated, whether during sex or masturbation, some semen always remains stuck to this part of my body. I have to wipe this semen off afterwards. This is when I find my body most dirty.
I feel dirty in this situation because the act of wiping off my genitals brings me back to when I first started having wet dreams as a junior high school student. One morning I woke up to a strange feeling between my thighs and the presence of a white, sticky substance. I didn’t know what to do. In the end I had to wipe the semen off with a tissue but I couldn’t get the stain out of my underwear. I continued to periodically have wet dreams even after I had learned to masturbate. I always woke up at the moment I was ejaculating in the dream. When this happened my first thought would be that I had soiled my underwear again. Wiping off the area between my thighs with a tissue as I rubbed my sleepy eyes and going to the basin to wash my dirty underwear were painful experiences. No matter how many times I washed them, I could not get the yellowish stain out of my underwear. Even though I made a point of masturbating before I went to sleep to avoid wet dreams, there were nights when I had them anyway.
My experience of wet dreams gave rise to a sense that “my body is dirty.” Presumably, my mother noticed what was happening, but she didn’t say anything. I thus had no choice but to face my sexual awakening on my own as a junior high school student. At school, boys whispered about wet dreams amongst themselves. But there was no serious counseling. I can still clearly remember one of my friends saying, “Hey, is something bothering you?” when I was standing on the classroom veranda looking out at the schoolyard and wishing I could give up being a man.
I had to face the experience of my first ejaculation, the central event in the emergence of male secondary sex characteristics, in a state of complete isolation. I had to deal with these things on my own, with neither the opportunity nor the inclination to discuss them with anyone else. I could not affirm having been born into a body that had to have wet dreams, and I could not affirm my own body that was changing inexorably into that of a man.
I now think that the experience of having wet dreams is very important for boys. The starting point of sex education for boys should be how they can welcome their first ejaculation positively (listening to the accounts of other men, it seems that some men experience their first ejaculation in a wet dream like I did, while others ejaculate for the first time while masturbating).
So what about girls? Even today some mothers cook “red rice” to celebrate their daughter’s first period. In any case, when a girl begins to menstruate, this is accepted by those around her and considered a blessing. This is how girls begin their sexual maturation. When boys begin to have wet dreams, on the other hand, this fact itself is completely disregarded by those around them. Everyone vaguely senses that it is happening, but no one will talk about it out loud. Boys deal with their wet dreams on their own, ignored by everyone around them, and as a result, there is a danger that negative feelings about their bodies will take root inside them. When I presented this idea at a seminar, one of the women in attendance pointed out that when a girl’s first period is celebrated it is only her ability to give birth to a child and become a mother that is being recognized as a blessing. I agree that this is indeed the case. When it comes to boys, however, their wet dreams are not celebrated as a blessing even in this sense, and for this I think they are to be pitied.
( . . . . . )
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